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[22 Nov 2004|09:35pm] |
What can be said as pain fills my head.
I hate, which is approproate, I hate my state.
My state of low, my sadness, meloncholy and tragic scenes of woe.
Woe is me, to invest in emotion without trust or respect.
To lie that it's fine, to hide the cliff edge with jest.
Now a mess I'd rather sleep on than clean.
Alas, sleep, if I could just gain a wink.
But instead, I sing songs in my head,
And hope that someday I will feel warm again.
It seems that Saturday's sun has tuned into Sunday's rain,
Thank you very much Mr. Drake.
Some people like rain, in fact I do.
Maybe I just don't like getting wet.
Alive, I can try.
Dead, not yet.
I did love once, but it didn't work out.
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[22 Mar 2004|12:47pm] |
More wacky adventures of Evan's life updated soon, I promise.
-EVO
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[14 Feb 2004|10:44pm] |
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YAY!!! HAPPY BELATED VALENTINES DAY!!! It was great fun for me, I could tell you the details but I won't. Anyhoo just a few things to update you with. First, Carah is out of town until tomarrow with people that she doesn't particularly want to be with. I feel very bad for her and I wish I could comfort her. Next, I have great news, I am going to start learing the trumpet so I can play in and next year. I'm getting taught and a trumpet for free and it's great fun! Next, I just got my haircut. Next which goes along with Valentines day, feeding the ducks rocks and I suggest it to anyone who need an uplifting expirience. Next, my dog has been waiting at the door for Carah. I can't believe how much he loves Carah. It's very impressive. Next I'm so incredibly happy that the snow is melting and warmth is coming because I'm going to have a huge gnome garden this spring and it's going to be marvelous and I'm happy. Next, I still don't have Lauralie back but I have hope anyway. Laslty, eat more chocolate and stay happy, friends.
-Evan
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[10 Feb 2004|12:05pm] |
First, I must explain. Lately, without warning, my genious mind has gone on a creativity hiatus. This is no writing block, I've had plenty of those. No this has been an amazingly stressful, uncomprehendable loss of all "skill" in creativity. My Lauralie (guitar) has been in About Music getting fixed for about 2 weeks. After having a major panic attack in the last episode of Voice I went to, I was devoted to not returning. My camera broke. I fixed it recently but have been unable to shoot what I want to get better. I drew one picture for two hours with no results. I wrote one poem with the proper title of "shit" because that is what it is. I've desperately been trying to find ideas for a new script with nothing to show for it. And to top it all off, I've been dealing with a nasty cold since Sunday. I'm afraid that this deficiancy has also included my lovely livejournal. I've had no cure for this demon. My only hope is to be over this mess soon. I'm attempting this lj entry to help. Also with the wonderful news that I will be able to see my love on our first Valentines Day, I believe that this will provide the much needed spark. So how 'bout dem apples.
Next, I've felt terribly lately that I have been unable to comfort Carah. She has been having a piss poor week and I'm supposed to be the one who makes it all okay. I guess the cold is partly to blame for it, but I don't see that as an excuse. She has been my words of wisdon and a scent of roses in my wost of times and I feel terrible that I cannpt return the favor. I'm goign to get better at this. You just wait until Valentines Day. I'll be back in the zone by then, friends.
So, I'm glad that I could make this update for you and me. Peace
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[25 Jan 2004|11:22pm] |
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This is a great idea (not mine).
Name five things that make you happy. Be specific.
For me, going in order of 1(being "might as well be seein' angels 'cause the euphoria is flowin'") to 5 (being "still pretty damn great)
1- When Carah falls asleep on me (I can hear her breath and feel her drool on my shoulder... it's beautiful)
2- When I see Carah (God I love that girl)
3- When I write a good song (this might feel so great because it's so rare)
4- Learning Beatles songs on the Ukelele (anyone listening, buy a uke for you mental health, their awesome)
5- Playing live (I've only done it a few times but I'm about to start doing it again and I'm really excited)
5.5- Going to Guster shows (it takes 3 days for the high to run down)
5.9- When the water main breaks at school (this has only happened once but it made me very happy)
Try it, it makes you feel happy.
Love,
Evan
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[25 Jan 2004|10:42pm] |
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I'm sorry, but I scimped out on some details when I wrote my last entery last night. Wedensday was difficult, and it turned out I had three panic attacks. However, I would have been in an unbelievably terrible state if I did not talk to Carah. She satyed on the phone with me, comforting me through this rough dicission and simply being there. When I told her that I needed her, she planed her night around talking to me. She didn't even panic when I was crying (I was pretty fucked up that night). She wasn't whiny and she didn't say that she wished she could be there like a good girlfriend, but she stayed there, knew exacty what to say, read my mind, and calmed me like the increadibly loving girlfriend that she is. I love this woman and I know she loves me back. For all you sceptics out there, believe what you want, but I swear to God right now, that if I don't marry this beautiful person, I could never forgive myself. Carah has become the most important person in my life, and will remain that way forever. People say that we spend too much time together, but even every second in the day with her is not enough. I thirve on Carah, she is my breath and she is my medicine. She has become my life and I've never been happier.
Thanks for letting me clear that up.
Love,
Evan
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[25 Jan 2004|09:27pm] |
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Well, I'm sorry to those who thrive on my livejournals for entertainment.... so, sorry. Alright. Well, Alot's been going on. i don't really know where to start. On Wedensday I had Voice which is normally awesome but this time it was the deciding factor that I should discontinue my Voice appearences. There is too much energy in those writers and I feel that I take away from the experience of the more devoted writers, so I have seen my last Voice. It is quite sad, but I think it's probably for the best. I hope I still write even though I don't have a weekly reminder. I have been low on the arts recently which drives me crazy. I really have to be more committed if I consider myself an artist. THAT AND MY GODDAM CAMERA ISN'T WORKING AGAIN, GODDAMIT!!!! Fuck. I am in a piss poor mood and I hate to be writing about it. I really want to talk to Carah but I have a feeling she's sleeping. Life will be much easier when we can be married.
anyhoo, today I got to see Carah for a while and finally her bbg stuff was cancelled but she really had to leave because of this damn snow which hasn't even given me Monday off yet.
This is an increadibly bitter livejournal, so I'm going to stop now because this is not how I want it to be.
I want to play cello.
Love, Evan
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[20 Jan 2004|06:27pm] |
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Hey all. I've been productive today. Though there isn't much to say. I'm finaly doing laundry, I'm finally burning Tyler's Guster, I finally got gas, I finally made that other batch of hot chocolate. I have to do homework, look at my attempts at photography again, make myself dinner, and wish my beloved a happy four month anniversary. Alright.
Well we all new this hapen someday. I have nothing else of interest to say.
Love,
Evan
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[15 Jan 2004|08:31pm] |
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I hate when bad stuff happens to my friends. Especially when I'm so happy. You ever get that guilty feeling of having a better life than your loved ones? And here I am complaining about how guilt sucks. It's really bullshitty but I still can't help it. Well, Everyone who reads this, I love you very much and just don't except pain in your life. Let it slide off and make puddles of pain to play in. That's all pain can ever be in this beautiful world, benign puddles. Draw a picture, write a song, go to the museum and love what makes you happy which will be plentiful. The most you should worry about is whether to sigh or yawn next. Life is for living, not for hurting.
I'm glad that's off my chest. Well, today has been great because I got to lay down with Carah which is one of the most satisfying thigs in the world. I feel like writing a song. A song about puddles. Today, I helped David out and changed his high e string and taught him another chord. It's fun helping David because he is a person who will always show appriciation.
I also got to talk to Robert from About Music today because I was the only one in there and he's is a very interseting guy, with a cold, poor fella.
I am now officially worth thirty dollars. I see it as a challenge. Probably more of a challenge to get a job than not spend thirty dollars. I still won't get a job though. I want to earn a living by constant tours as a rhythm guitarist. That's what I want to be when I grow up. I got to be nicer to Jimmy so I can be in this potentially kick-ass band. The first oportunity to be a rhythm guitarist and that's all I want to do.
I am goign to write in my livejournal every day and draw more often and write as often as possible and eat more salad which is delicious.
I know all I need is love.
-Evan
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[12 Jan 2004|03:31pm] |
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Wow, I'm really bad at this live journal thing. I'm sorry and I will be more strict to mysef about it.
First off, my toe woes are over. It still looks extremely fucked up but feels much bett. God bless over the counter drugs.
Second, School was good today. Amy Kilapoo wasn't there so me and Lydia (the other Kilapoo hater) plotted plans to stain her teeth brown. Good times. I find I laughed alot today and this is what I really need in school. Stress has made me very sicki nthe past and I don't want to let that happen to me again.
Carah and I have had a great weekend. My life is going to be so awesome with her. She is remarkable and immaculate and I love her very much. On Saturday we went to Jacko's battle of the band where I knew most of the band mates really well. They played beautifully put another one of my friend's band won because the singer (who sucks) is the popular guy in school. Music should NEVER be a populariy contest. Anyhoo, before the thing I went to Jimmy's house and we jammed out for a long time. It was really awesome and I think we are going to be in a band together and I can't wait. Just the thought of being in a band again has rejuvenated me. I wrote a song yesteraday for the first time in weeks. And it's cool. Communal music is very healthy.
Me and Ro are going pants shopping tomarrow and I'm very excited. I need really cool pants and jeans that it me. Right now my best jeans are rory's old one's and since my ass is so damn small I look knind of funky in them. I need pnts that hilite my non exsistent ass. I hope his will turn out to be a good trip. Cool pants are essential.
I haven't done laundry in a while so Im going to do that soon and then some other chores but I wrote and am very proud. Bye for now, fellow Evan fans.
-Evan
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[06 Jan 2004|05:07pm] |
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Sorry about that, loyal readers, I was just so busy.
First off, I finished my movie, and it's a piece of crap but everyone was impressed, I got a 48?50 for grammar, It was unbelievably fun to edit, and I hope that I can make a good movie quite soon. Overall I was pleased, because in a 6:40 short film, I managed to put 4 of my favorite songs in there. Alright.
Second, School started and I discovered that a large reasonwhy I don't like school is becaue of one Miss Amy Kilagrew, or as I have renamed her, Amy Kilapoo (Ha ha, poo). That's all about school, except that I think, I have the smallest penis at my lunch table, but I don't really mind because my beautiful girlfrriend loves me.
Third, I have toe problems. Last night, my mom got a honkin' big splinter so me and Ro operated and about half and hour later, we got it out. Then I had my mom (who is a physician assistant, and no that is not a nurse) look at my toe which has been progressively hurting for a few weeks. Turns out, I had an ingrown toe nail that caused a pretty severe infection. My ma trimmed the ingrown (it was ingrown on the side so she could do that) and poured medical stuff on it and it bubbled while it killed the bad germs. It was pretty cool. But, it is quite possible that I will have to have the whole toe nail pulled off (without growing back). Now, I already have a pretty wierd looking birthmark on that toe that most everyone is frieked out by. It is elevated past the regular skin level, is red and is spotty and just plain wierd looking. I however love it because I like being differant and now I can have the coolest looking toe in the world. Just imagine what I just described, without a nail. I would where sandals all the time. It would be pretty awesome. Unfortuanely, it hurts quite a bit, but I'm a trooper.
Fourth, with the start of school, Carah and I have to go on our regular date schedual. I haven't seen her for 2 days now. Sometimes, I don't know how Jeff does it. You amaze me Jeff. Fortunately, Jackson gave me a hug from her to me taday and it made me feel better. Elizabeth, if you read this, could you please give Carah a heart felt hug for me every Monday and Tuesday? Thanks. Anyhoo, I get to see her tomarrow and all will be well.
Fifth, My pop has been in LA visiting his mum. He coming home today but his plane has been delayed like 3 hours. Ain't that a kick in the head.
Sixth, I watched Concert For George, and if you are in any way a beatles fan, you need to see this. It's beautiful. Paul McCartney played Something on the Ukalele and then there was this huge join in withEric Clapton, Ringo Starr, JEff Lynn, and a whole buch of other people. Tom Petty did two good ones too. It was aweosme and I have made a new life goal to master the uke. I'm picking it up pretty easy. It is really really fun and I love it. I encourage everone to do it.
I think that's it. You guys rock. Alright.
-EVO
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[02 Jan 2004|04:13pm] |
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I tried to write a livejournal, but it was unsuccessful. I'll try again tonight.
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[01 Jan 2004|10:20pm] |
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WRAP!!!!!!
That is what I screamed today immediately following a somewhat less stressfull shooting day. I'm done shooting and now comes the real fun: the edit-a-thon. I really can't wait cause Jeff's gonna help and it's gonna be alot of fun making fun of my actors without them knowing it. Alright.
New Years Eve was hectic but by the ball drop, I was with the people I wanted to be with (I really hope Carah felt the same way) and despight not getting that much sleep, I got the best night of it in a long time. I did get to sleep with my beloved, though on a couch meant for one and after some insomnia, and I discovered the best feeling in the world: waking up at the same exact time as the person you really love and having her in you arms, safe and lovely, with a sense of love and control. The first time I've really felt control in my life. It was wonderful and I just didn't want to get up, but I did and I did one of my other favorite things in the world: cooking good food for the person I love. If only I could have days when all I had to do was wake up with her and cook for her and occasionally urinate (not with her). Beautiful in white sheets.
I finished the movie.
I ate dinner at Carah's with her family. I didn't know how to dress so I dressed well. I think I'm starting to really fit in with her family which is hard for with her family (not that I don't love them, especially her really sweet grandma). That definately made me happy. Afterwards, we looked at two photo albums of an adorable Carah when she was small. That was great fun, and I was sad when it stopped, but I did have to leave so my dear could gt some sleep.
I'm going to go now and only wish that I could leave a great conclusion. Bye now.
-Evan
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[30 Dec 2003|04:05pm] |
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Hi everybody. I finally schedualled he rest of the shooting for the piece of shit movie I'm making for English. The thing is I know it's going to suck, but I don't know what to do about it. Get better actors next time? Yeah, that's it. Anyhoo, today I woke up early and had toasted Challa for breaky (we ate all of the bear bread last night with our chicken and barley soup). Quite delicious. Since then I've watched the Colplay road diary, played crappy guitar for at least an hour (when am I going to get better) and cleaned the studio. All together it's been a good day, it's just that I've been panicking over the movie and my finals because my music final is going to be hard as a fiber-less shit. Damn. But, I'm going to make Carah and I a special dinner tonight (don't tell her) and I hope she likes it. It's either that or eat hamburgers with my family and I really prefer my food to hamburgers. Alright.
I want to be a rock star, but I only want to be in a band with my best friends and I'm the guys who plays guitar in the background that no one knows except for die hard fans. And I don't really want to be that famous, and I think I can do it. If I could only get better at guitar.
Two New Years resolutions so far:
-get back into yoga
-get better at guitar for god's sake!
I'm boring you guys and I don't want to lose my loyal readers so I will go now. I hope you hasve a great night. I know mine will. Alright.
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[29 Dec 2003|02:08pm] |
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There are 2 feelings that I have that really make me feel good. Lovee, which has occured since my first date with Carah, and health, which I don't have enough but I feel it now. I should really start yoga again. It makes me feel really good and it's extremely healthy. Carah would like it too because Sting does yoga and he says he can have sex for eight hours, not that he ever has. Anyhoo, Today I'm making Challa because my new Bread Bible has nothing but long and difficult recipes and I like Challa alot. This time I'm making challa for my family because otherwise my mom will bitch like none other and I hear nothing but bitching from her anyway ever since she started work. Alright. I think I'm going to call Tim to tell him that I'm just going to film him for one day and then do the reshoots of him and Alex another day. Sheila called back yesterday and apologized for not calling untill a week after I asked for a resopnce from everybody because she was out of town, but she is the first fucking person to respond and I don't even need to reshoot anything with her. I'm never going to shoot another movie without more professional people. I don't know what to say anymore. Yesterday was grat with Carah. I can't wait to see her today. She's kind of beeting herself up becaue now we can't have sex on New Years, but there's no reason to be mad at herself. We can always have sex. It is not going to be the pivotol part of our relationship anyhow. I love that woman but that doesn't mean that all I want to do is make love to her. I think make love has more meaning than sex. We make love when we say, "I love you." We make love when I give her a message and when she does the same to me. I love everything about this woman and nothing should make her think otherwise. i feel kind of scattered now so I will leave this at that. By for now, friends.
-EVO
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| Attributes of Perfection |
[27 Dec 2003|11:36am] |
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Things about Carah:
-Carah is more kind than anyone I know
-Carah is funnier than most
-Carah is the most beautiful person I have evr known (seriously)
-Carah is talented
-Carah is genius
-Carah loves her boyfriend as much as he loves her (an unmeasurable amount)
-Carah is not a skank
-Carah is not a mean person at all
-Carah always brings a smile to my face with just her in my imagination
-Carah will always be my favorite person in the world and I will never, ever stop loving her
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[23 Dec 2003|07:56pm] |
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Before about and hour ago my day was strssful as fuck with the obvious exception of talking to Carah for fifteen minutes around 4. That was awesome. Anyhoo, I wole up early and went Christmas shopping with my sister. That was good. I got most everybodies present that I needed except for four people. Rory didn't get anything but she did pay for lunch which was nice. She asked for large cokes and they gave us like literally liter and a half cups. I didn't even drink a third of it and I got sick. I got better though. I of the things I really liked that I got was the gift for the sixth night of Chanukah. It's pretty kickass and Carah loves me which is great. Then I got home andd tried to get Carah's eighth gift four times before I finally got it about an hour ago, and I can't say anything, because Carah will read this, but she will be orgasmic, I have no doubt. So now I'm much more anxious for the last day of Chanukah rather than Christmas, however Christmas is he day I get to see my beloved again. Four days is too fucking long. I've been razzled all day because of her absebance. I can't believe how luck I am to have found the love of my life on the first try. That is the most recent proof to me that God truely loves me. I just realized in thinking of what my next sentance should be that I want to kiss Carah more than God, which sounds pretty remarkable to me, of course I'm not very religious. But I got home from shopp[ing an called my actors to see if we could reshoot hen but no and now I'm looking at after Christmas to finish shooting and then I get to edit. Jeff and I watched play back last night and I'm pretty ashamed. I know that it's my first time directing, but for God's sake I've been on set everyday for two feature length films now and I don't even consider reflections!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!!!! Anyway, I'm already sick of this movie which is very bad because I'm still not sick of Someone for Everyone, and We finished shooting that two weeks ago for God's sake. Cheese! I've got to relax but I find that the only thing that helps me relax is thinking about Carah and then I get negative because she's not here and I want her to be. This will be so much easier when we're married and I can wake up every morning and see Carah and relax and never have anoher panic attack ever again. For those of you who are lost, I have high anxioty which causes frequent panic attacks. Fun. I don't know what else to say but, I need Carah in my arms right now. Why does Ohio even exsist? Why does Ohio have to take Carah away for four fucking days?!!
Well I feel a little better now so thank you. Otherwise my mom's been really wierd with me which really pisses me offf becuase she assumes that when she does something wrong that I'm offended and then she goes and apologizes and then I just feel like, pull it together mom. But she told me today that she felt some negetivity towards her, and I had to stop myself from screaming that I need Carah!!!
Now Ro is home and I should talk to her now. Thanks so much for listening and I hope to talk to you tomarrow. I love you guys so much.
Sincerely,
Evan
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[22 Dec 2003|05:41pm] |
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Well, I don't know how to start. I just got home from the first movie shoot that I have been in control of. I'm exsausted. I love making movies but I find myself thinking that maybe I am the only one filming this who wants it to be this good. It's hard, and I don't know if I'm doing such a great job. I've got to go back to Tim's house tomarrow to finish up some outdoor scenes and close ups. Over all I guess I'm pretty happy about it. To be honest I really loved being in Jeff's place. That sounds wrong though becuse Jeff is stupendously better than me but I felt that Jeff would be proud of how I directed. I set up shots pretty well, directed actors to the best of my ability (it's hard to get through to some people), and I think I kept my cool. I hope that they didn't see that I was nervous during the whole thing. Anyhoo, I'll just go back and finish tomarrow and then do some hella good editing with Jeff. Alright.
Carah has only been gone for 2 days but god I can't exsist without her. It's not like I've never been wihtout her for 2 days before, but I just don't like the idea of her being so damn far away. She is going to easily be my best Christmas present. Now I'm only hoping for Christmas because that's when I get to see Carah again. I don't think that's too unhealthy.
I'm really scatter brained right now, so I think I'll leave this one short and have some hot chocolate and calm down. I hope I can write back later with more coherent what nots.
Much Love,
Evan
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